Directed by
Jamie Blanks

Written by
Tom Savage
Donna Powers

Cast
Denise Richards .... Paige Prescott
David Boreanaz .... Adam Carr
Marley Shelton .... Kate Davies
Jessica Capshaw .... Dorothy Wheeler
Jessica Cauffiel .... Lily Voight
Katherine Heigl .... Shelley Fisher
Hedy Burress .... Ruthie Walker
Fulvio Cecere .... Detective Leon Vaughn
Daniel Cosgrove .... Campbell Morris
Johnny Whitworth .... Max Raimi
Woody Jeffreys .... Brian
Adam Harrington .... Jason Marquette
Claude Duhamel .... Gary Taylor
Wyatt Page .... Evan Wheeler
Benita Ha .... Kim Wheeler

R
96 mins

Valentine's Day! That special time of year where men get extra absent-minded, women get sublimely sensitive and the slightest male misstep is grounds for a fight to rival Tyson / Holyfield.

Meanwhile, singles languish in the sorrow of hurts long past, wondering mournfully, why, oh WHY, can't we have that joyous bickering that THOSE two must have! Look at the LOVE in her eyes as she chucks that blender at his head! What BLISS in his voice as he roars "I should've gone out with your sister, you crazy psycho bitch!"

Oh, there are many names for it. D-Day. V-Day. Singlehood Awareness Day. The Day of Pain and Darkness. But call it by any other name, and it's still Valentine's Day.

And in this special version of Reel Advice from the Video Store Guy (who, coincidentally, is one of those poor mournful singles), I delve into the depths of your local video store's horror section to bring out this old relic from the middle of nowhere.

So what we have here is the story of Jeremy Melton, one poor miserable son of a bitch. Shot down by all the cute, allegedly popular girls at the big valentine dance, finally allowed to get it on with his obvious last choice, then beaten for his pains after said last choice frames him up, and lastly the victim of a Carrie-style punch dumping, our poor little thick-glasses type comes back for blood.

Now, there are a LOT of movies like this one. Let's face it, folks, spurned geek comes back for the blood of his tormentors? It's not original. The building up of suspense that we see starting around the nine minute mark is almost textbook, and stuffed with enough gore to draw the attention of the fourteen to seventeen year olds who might actually find this original enough to bother with. It's all right here...from the slow purposeful walk of the masked and surprisingly durable serial killer to the dash of the terrified coed in the general direction of away, this is Brand X Slasher Movie to its poorly realized core.

You begin to wonder after a while, why does bullying even exist anymore? Pop culture and the news have pretty much amplified the concept to a fever pitch. Even the slowest jock dullard should have figured out by now that the kid you make fun of today is all too likely to be the kid you're begging to spare your life tomorrow.

It isn't, however, all bad in here. The maze sequence around the thirty five minute mark is just surreal enough to frighten. And check out the comedy at the one hour point! You're not going to believe what you just saw. Or heard. You'll WISH you hadn't seen or heard any of it, but sadly, there will be no escaping it. Fellas out there, I STRONGLY advise you just crank up the fast forward button between one hour and one hour five minutes.

You will thank me later. Possibly in your wills.

The ending comes equipped with the standard red herrings and assorted plot twists. It's a yawn, folks, no mistake.

The special features include cast and crew bios, director's commentary, a behind the scenes featurette, and a theatrical trailer. Plus, we get something called a "club reel" which is basically just a music video for Orgy's "Opticon" with footage from "Valentine."

All in all, Valentine is an excellent example of a poor movie. Valentine is yet another slasher movie, containing all of the correct elements, adding nothing, yet not actively offensive. Unless, of course, a lack of originality is one of your pet peeves.